Hashem’s Delinquency

Within this little heart of mine
I swallow splinters
Way past my prime.
I eat sex lidded thighs
Like christened triangular shapes
I breathe menorah light bombs
And waddle in my haste.
These prayers to Hashem
I cannot sit with them
Because of tired bosoms wait
For fierce pinchy smelly gates
That whisk my vessel, mind, and steed
To a place where thoughts can’t heed.
From where mince lice dig in the grave
Unsaid, my vowels are vows mislaid
And touches emerge on soft smooth skin
Fantastical memories of falsely gin.
A flick of the wrist and my nipples compile
Each Goosebumps lick is a pimple or prick
Too late, to see my spirit quake
And convulse on this plastic seat of shame.
One page to break each folly lock
And splatter first love’s bloody smock
With every feel, much deeper still
Life future sits, its empty trill.
Up the crevasse of the no-gone hole
That never drones, but always pulls
A winter’s finger’s self-proclaimed
Advance that’s swatted and harshly maimed.
A flick of passion stiff and shout
Sticks up, then pats the inside out
When fellow sharks teeth up the brain
And switch gives light, dark heads, so plain.
Like naked women all taught and dead
They lie there, next to my dreary head.
All blue and cold, lips so pale
A dreadful place; a dreadful tale.
But here I am, and what will be
Is my little heart set free?
I never stick, I never stuck
When love was sick and swiftly muck.
And now, I pray, Hashem please call!
I need you here, if not at all!
Why do you stay so silent?
Why aren’t you compliant?
Why can’t I hear you deep within?
Why do you never hear my sin?
Hashem, great Lord of withered smells
Where putrid voices echo wells
And chords distaste
Above displaced
Where are you now, when I need you most?
Where are you now?
Are you my host?
Of course, of course
What else could be
My only life will set me free.
Alone, I hear nothing when
I need it most; I need a friend.
Will it ever amount to anything?
Please vanquish me!
Please finish me!
Please languish me!
Please diminish me!
Hashem…Hashem…Hashem…Hashem…

The Darkened Filth Collage

This impending doom
That shakes these wintering brain pulses
To create time splinters
Through heavy sharp cheekbones that slice
Every pinnacle of eye pus
Leaking through surges of upheld darkened light.
Powerhouse
Pull it through the pill that shines
Straight through realities lies.
The one that calls is the insane paradigm that pulses in the hole
Of the whole of sounds
that keeps on beating
against the shiny metallic dripping wall chambers.

New lines pulse at the dead of night filling me up
With immeasurable amounts of sterile energy that rings in
My kinky slick sweaty smiley potholes
Frothing at the mouth of my steel tin dragon.
Noise that encumbers the leaves fills me up with dread
Or a vast string of vanishing mumbles that spirals
Down the experiments tongue.
Typing so furiously
I sit and breathe through my eyes and through
These plastic keyboards numbers, letters, and the tips of my
white/pink/starchy fingers.
Lifting, I am lifting off without screens
and rules.
No dunes rise
as Japanese language zooms past my eardrums
Don’t need to explain
As down drop fuchsia splits
And claps force its way into my gasping brain.

More mellow harmonies
Straight shooter
Y’s all the way as slippery matter water
Verbalizes
Through the computer screen.
Guitar strings and one female voice, deep, and trying
To be deep, but stumbling past all extremities
To fit into one extreme.
Baking slower and slower
Ignoring all the heart-felt rhythms.
Right you are
Fighting the tune, tone, and vocal chords
Straining to see through the smoke
Curling out of your tobacco stained lips.
Charcoal cherry washed teeth stare back at me in this misty club
Dark and hazy
Helping the need
To be something it’s not
But everything counts on the detailed piano
Keys twinkling and scheming about
Around the black laced fingerless gloves you are wearing right now.
Mind whooshing faster than stiff fingers can move
And glide across the break in the page
All grey and soot
All liquor and brandy
All brass and glass
Little girl
Don’t falter
I know you’re acting older
Just to please the masses
In this dimly lit bar.

How do I start but to say
I will stay
With you forever
Though I am stuck here in my decapitating house
Of splinters and mud.
A scarecrow haunting my yard
As words get pressed, delicately, between my horrible greedy fingers.
Keep goodbyes short
As I snort
Up all the heat and smoke
That comes from my chimney.
This is where I roast fresh souls
To mix in with my soup
Of dead animals and rotten fruit.
I will stay with you forever.
Just know one thing
I am not what you’re expecting
At all.
So don’t be turned off
If what you see
Is not what you want.

Caught in a mood
Of witches curses
Drunk by keen leaders
Swaggering down the hall
During midnight.
Still stood frightened lyrics
Fire creeping up the leg of time
As the clock burns
Melting plastic and stained glass.
Stuck, swept together
With fun glue, all red and sticky.
Wrinkles scrape the impending laughter
Heard from miles and miles away.
Chuckling, the devil smiles
With his leather knee boots and black velvet vest
Button sewn from the eyeballs of innocent children
Taken
While they’re asleep
In their terry-cloth beds.
Wake to the joyful music jumble
Not quite sarcastic enough for my taste,
But entertaining as HELL.
From where do their cries linger?
In the dreams of ripped cloth dolls
Grinning in the slipping goose bumps.
Not making sense
Another crumbling mountain
Made of sawdust invading foreign countries
Bombing towns made of playthings
Not used to all this darkness
But creeping ever so slowly.
The longing to last through
The finished story
Undone
My nosed stuck on elbows stuck on sofas
Crazy screams change in mid-sentence
And bumbling charismatic
Unique one-page psyched out deranged bullies
Sweep creepy sounds away.

Getting the going
Stuck between bloody wood
Shelled from these splinters
Stuck in my mouth
Dripping
Dripping
Dripping
On the floor.
Convincing the fuzzy shape in the mirror that
It’s me, and not you, that appears.
What’s to become
Of the monster inside?
When all that is vanquished vanishes and sucks in sharp edges.
Breathe deep, funnel the truth, steady between clamped jaws
Pressured to explode under the cold pierce of a stagnant needle
Pressed against your neck
Licking the sweat
Slicing the rest into baked unleavened bread.
Last page to worry, not fret
Or regret writing these flagrant slamming unhealthy letters
As they burn brown and black
Charred past the breaking point.

Darkness in A Cup

Drinking black tea
Reverberates me.
Systematic contractive
Glee.
A wash of dark spices
Dried leaves, and mystery.
English Breakfast sits
On my tongue.
The vacant future
Of souls, undone.
The feeling grows
To the persist.
A bitter smell,
A bitter taste.
Black like solid earth
At night
Tea seeps slower
With one true plight.
Almost square,
Soaking air.
Then drop! I Plop!
It into steamy water depths.
From where doth
This tea reflects?
In my carnal stomach,
Juices pulsing
Two-and-fro,
Belching tart
And saying, “No!”
A visceral mouth
To insure, endure, upflame
Withheld my blur.
The leaves are chopped
So thin
Within
I cannot scream or shout
But pull my fingers out
of the cup.
White rim, so smooth
There is no groove
To place these hands
And sing, my glands
Of upper cheek
My throat to reek
A deep, dark stench,
Both teeth that clench
The bitterness,
sour commotion
that depicts
my crucial devotion.
Caffeine intake;
Unscrupulous wake
My mind to take
The brightness of day.
Sticky words just sway
Until the leftover
Feeling of grace
Hits the trees
And rooftop ease
From this window
Pained and square.
The leaves don’t tear,
They only stare
Into my flagrant soul.
Fragrant, I steal each moment
Alone with my cup
And the darkness alone
Enters my mouth and
Eats me up.
A stream of unreal
Tar and asphalt
Slippery, the black liquid
Quivers down my throat.
Near the end,

I gulp!
Then swallow
Until nothing’s left
But stains,
Unswept and tiny crumbs
Of tea leaves and spices.
I look then stand up
To greet the early
Afternoon.
Now, here I am.
Tea was strong
It helped me see
The strength in me
That I knew was there all along…

Synapsis of Serility

I feel as though my life is changing
Inch by Inch.
Year by Year.
The intangible thoughts
That always come near,
And the people
I love
And have loved.

It never stands still.

This pen has never
Hit the page with such
Hesitation.
These tears running down
My soft pale cheeks
Are not my own.

They crystallize and shatter
Beneath my chin.
Tears of confusion
For this perplexing life.
Tears of overwhelming capacity
That hold every
Blinking memory
Within them.
I feel as though
I am two people inside.
One Man.
One Woman.

A balancing act that
Can never decide
Who to be,
What to say,
How to look.
Both sides of me
Pressing so hard
On my own consciousness,
In a fuzzy drift
That winks at me
In dreams at night.

It is no longer an act of self-defiance
or self-destruction.
It is of self-awareness;
self-discovery;
self-production.

I did not choose to be both.

My norms are my secrets,
My duality is my downfall
And yet---

I strut the catwalk of life,
Preforming in my “female” body flesh
As a straight girl,
A confused lesbian,
Mixed with remorse and doubt.

How can one person
Seem to flow and swim
Leisurely past
All so-called “gender norms”
And yet have hair on her chin and arms
Legs and crotch
Even something
Minute as toes?
My life is changing
Tide by Tide.
Moon by Moon.
Blood by Blood.
Inch by Inch
and
Crud by Crud.
I am no longer that princess-wearing child,
That long-haired beauty,
That clean-minded daughter.

I am who I perceive myself to be;
A writer, a poet
poised for the slaughter.
Of verse and words
That lift with loads
and loads of whirls.
In these trying times
Of shame and hide,
I can finally go with pride.
I can finally glow inside.
I can finally grow to slide
into a new perspective.

Gemini, I am,
Floating with distinction
not absolution or intrusion.
A two-sided coin.
One flip
And I’m this,
One toss,
And I’m that.
Inside, I switch genders
Like the flip of a hat.
But what matters is the soul-filled
Glue that holds those two sides
Together.
But what matters is the soul-filled
Brim that frames the lid
to make it wearable.

This is an anthem for myself,
An interflection of health
Beating breath
after breath
after breath.
Like nothing I’ve ever
Read or wrote before,
These words might hit
The floor

---With Silence.---

Or, hearts pumping,

bodies thumping

minds jumping

past all judgments or examinations
from family or friends’ reactions

I am two people inside.

My voice outnumbers
Each weighted sigh.
Numbers or questions
That are sometimes neglected.
Women I’ve loved that are always rejected.
Change happens naturally.
(It can be a catastrophe, but)
It is the only thing
That humbles me.
(That and good food.)

There is no “one or the other.”
There is only BOTH.
There is only ME.
There is only LIFE
to set me FREE.
And so it goes...

Visceral Reality

I could peel myself
away,
Piece by piece
Until all that remains is
Jagged bones.
Not smooth, but bristled.
A pain in my stomach
Could disappear
Like air
If each layer
Of my body
Was gone.
I could smear myself
away,
smush and blot it
until all that remains
is a muddled mess
of brownish red.
I could flush myself
away,
Down a giant toilet.
Let my remains
Bloat and pulse
In putrid smelly water.
I could melt myself
away,
dripping, like a hot wax candle.
Dripping, hardening
Into strange pinkish bulbous
Shapes that are
Ugly but real.
I could scribble myself
away,
Erase and smudge
Every aspect
Of my brain.
Graffiti my eye sockets
and tattoo my toes
until I resemble
The Illustrated Man.
I could stroke myself
away,
Touch, clench, devour
Every morsel until
Nothing’s left.
Caress myself
Into oblivion.
Chaotic with a touch
Of surreal disposition.
I could stretch myself
away,
too tall or too short,
too wide or too narrow,
too straight or too bent
until my internal organs
dangle outside of my
once normal body.
They could glow,
Dance on fire
In the semi-moonlight.
Ghastly ghoulish and eerie.
Pink, Green, Blue.
Yellow, Orange, Red.
Vibrating, sinking,
swimming, floating,
suspended high
but low,
above all obligation
above all purpose
above all responsibility.
My organs could die then,
There, suspended to this fecal body.
Just a hairy body, full of hair.
I could swish myself
away,
Like a sweep of a magical broom.
Poof! Disintegrate into nothingness.
Or transport myself
To a different time period in history.
I could lie myself away,
Until I am no longer
me.
Just a made-up story in a book
That was once read,
But tossed carelessly away,
Waiting, just waiting
For a person, anyone to pick me up
and read about my life
My memories
My experiences.
I could hope myself
away,
Believe in the finite words I say.
Better yet, write them down to capture
who I am,
And what I’ve found
To live another day.

The “Real Survivors”

Our land was taken away.
Our land was taken away.
But not our spirits.
Playing the Jew
On parade.
It means
Persecution and starvation.
But we move on,
Stubborn as the sun may let us.
Suborn as old mules,
We carry on.
Nomadic.
Ever-changing as the seasons.
Slowly integrating into
new societies,
new lands
that welcome us.
Our land was taken away.
Our land was taken away.
Yet, we persist.
Our God is everywhere.
We persist.
We blend into the background,
Yellow stars melting into our skin.
Secretly. Openly.
We blend.
We blend.
We survive.
We never give up.
We blend.
That’s who we are,
Eating and feeding and cooking and loving.
We gossip.
Talk dirty. Smother
Our children with lovely kisses and hugs.
We are kind and intelligent people,
But history forces us
To move.
To move.
In what direction?

—--Everywhere—--

We own Hollywood.
We own Comedy.
Our land was taken away.
Our land was taken away.
Our children starved.
Our people died.
In horrible death camps.
But, we persist.
We rip off our tattered striped pajamas like dead skin.
We rip off our tattooed number like limp Band-Aids.
We rip off our sorrows like heavy shadows
And grieve
As a whole community.
We rip off prejudices and antisemitism
Like peeling a banana.
We have thick skin.
It can be shattered, scattered to reveal
The shining Jew
Underneath.
We blend, but come out
When tragedy strikes.
Our land was taken away.
Our land was taken away.
Our hearts were saved
Because we stuck together.
Made allies,
Got through it.
We are as tough as
stale bread
but do not crumble.
We are walls of protection and faith.


God is in others.
God is in us.
We are all God .
Our land was taken away.
Our land was taken away.
We persist.
We survive.

Connections

There’s electricity in the air,
Roamin’ around like it just don’t care.
There’s a silence mixed In too,
A hum to connect
Me to you.
There’s a buzzin’
Deep inside
Between friends
Open wide.
A bopin’
Huggin’ smooshes lolly popin’
Gigglin, yet
Workin’ it through.
Still stuff to do, stuff to do.
There’s a feeling jumpin’
Around the yard
Thumpin’ quite out loud.
No musical rhymes,
Just a sliver
Of sublime.
Where friendship finds a place
To rest weary heads
That can erase
The pain of day.
There’s a lightness
In these words,
A melody still unheard.
Some may think
Connections are great
And fearless.
It’s only nearness
That makes the pull
So fine.
It shakes awake
All depressed doubts.
So much work
Yet to be finished.
All unhappiness, diminished.
There’s a sweetness
In my soul,
A dimming of the lights.
A swish, a speed, a leap to take flight.
Soaring quite above the trees,
It seems
To never find its way.
But near, with love
My friends are here,
They’re here, they’re here,
They’re here to stay.