Synapsis of Serility

I feel as though my life is changing
Inch by Inch.
Year by Year.
The intangible thoughts
That always come near,
And the people
I love
And have loved.

It never stands still.

This pen has never
Hit the page with such
Hesitation.
These tears running down
My soft pale cheeks
Are not my own.

They crystallize and shatter
Beneath my chin.
Tears of confusion
For this perplexing life.
Tears of overwhelming capacity
That hold every
Blinking memory
Within them.
I feel as though
I am two people inside.
One Man.
One Woman.

A balancing act that
Can never decide
Who to be,
What to say,
How to look.
Both sides of me
Pressing so hard
On my own consciousness,
In a fuzzy drift
That winks at me
In dreams at night.

It is no longer an act of self-defiance
or self-destruction.
It is of self-awareness;
self-discovery;
self-production.

I did not choose to be both.

My norms are my secrets,
My duality is my downfall
And yet---

I strut the catwalk of life,
Preforming in my “female” body flesh
As a straight girl,
A confused lesbian,
Mixed with remorse and doubt.

How can one person
Seem to flow and swim
Leisurely past
All so-called “gender norms”
And yet have hair on her chin and arms
Legs and crotch
Even something
Minute as toes?
My life is changing
Tide by Tide.
Moon by Moon.
Blood by Blood.
Inch by Inch
and
Crud by Crud.
I am no longer that princess-wearing child,
That long-haired beauty,
That clean-minded daughter.

I am who I perceive myself to be;
A writer, a poet
poised for the slaughter.
Of verse and words
That lift with loads
and loads of whirls.
In these trying times
Of shame and hide,
I can finally go with pride.
I can finally glow inside.
I can finally grow to slide
into a new perspective.

Gemini, I am,
Floating with distinction
not absolution or intrusion.
A two-sided coin.
One flip
And I’m this,
One toss,
And I’m that.
Inside, I switch genders
Like the flip of a hat.
But what matters is the soul-filled
Glue that holds those two sides
Together.
But what matters is the soul-filled
Brim that frames the lid
to make it wearable.

This is an anthem for myself,
An interflection of health
Beating breath
after breath
after breath.
Like nothing I’ve ever
Read or wrote before,
These words might hit
The floor

---With Silence.---

Or, hearts pumping,

bodies thumping

minds jumping

past all judgments or examinations
from family or friends’ reactions

I am two people inside.

My voice outnumbers
Each weighted sigh.
Numbers or questions
That are sometimes neglected.
Women I’ve loved that are always rejected.
Change happens naturally.
(It can be a catastrophe, but)
It is the only thing
That humbles me.
(That and good food.)

There is no “one or the other.”
There is only BOTH.
There is only ME.
There is only LIFE
to set me FREE.
And so it goes...